I pretty much feel like I am completely alone in the world. In the effort to deconstruct and reject all of the fucking bullshit socialization that I've been subjected to since, you know, I was in the womb... I have put myself in a really shitty situation. I am trying to go against something that does not seem all that unnatural to me. I've been inundated with images... and now I am just trying to reject those. Half of me is thinking "Fuck yeah! Rejectttt" but the other half is just like "Hmmm... reject what?? There is nothing *to* reject. This is just natural... my feelings are *natural*."

You can't argue with natural, right?

Too bad it is NOT natural. It is socialized. Fuck you socialized. Fuck you.

And it is my insecurity, which makes it even more difficult. It is my insecurity in someone else's body. How do you even deal with that?! How do you even work with that?!

I just want to say fuck this. Fuck all of this. But I can't. I just can't do it. I can't just fuck off my feelings. And how I feel. And how I am afraid other people feel, and what they think.

**What other people think**

Ahhhhh. I hate what other people think. I care. And I hate that I care.

:(

Lately I have been thinking a lot about the future. My life, and kids. Now, don't get ahead of yourself. I am not saying I want kids. I do not know if I want kids or not (which is a good position for a 21 year old guy who has no money and is lacking in person direction). But rather, if I have kids, how will I raise them?

How will I mold children to be good, in this world so bad? How will I show them the truth of society and inequality, without making them resent me?

These are hard questions to answer. I hope that I figure it out, if I plan on having kids.

I hope that I don't fuck them up. Or fuck myself up and end up crazy.

Then everyone will be unhappy lol.

Objectification

I don't understand how objectification works. And how that plays into behavior, and what is right.

I see the over-sexualized images of women in the media. Not only do I see the images, but I know their connection to male entitlement and misogyny.

This is a problem, and something that should be stopped. But how?

It does not seem right to say "Okay women, no more being sexual. Women who are overly sexual are perpetuating misogyny."

It also does not seem right to say "Men, women will be sexual, but you cannot pay attention to that. No more responding to sexual women. That is perpetuating misogyny."

Unfortunately, it seems that as long as women are overtly sexual, men will be objectifying. And that will result in entitlement and violence.

But there must be something else at work here. I mean, lets look at the gay community. There is a lot (LOT) of objectification in the gay community. And if a man takes his clothes off and other men look, I don't see a problem. I think it's great (well, probably because I am also looking). Why? Because, as far as I can tell, there is no strong connection to entitlement and violence. I've looked for studies even, and I haven't found anything. When it is man to man objectification, the violence, so it seems, just is not there. Or at least it is not as strong.

So why is the violence there with women? Why is there that direct correlation (causation even) between objectification and entitlement and violence?

And how can you make it stop?

I don't like the idea of a world where people cannot express their sexuality. Sex is a beautiful thing, and people are beautiful creatures. And, quite frankly, I enjoy the freedom to look and be looked at. I honestly don't mind being objectified. There are pictures floating around the internet to prove that. But, I also know that it is not going to contribute to anything negative, since I am a man. And I have privilege, as a man. (I hate saying that. But it is true, and I need to own that.)

Women should have the same right to look, and be looked at. I don't see how the "being looked at" part is bad. Maybe that is very anti-feminist of me. Maybe I need to learn more about sociology. Or maybe that is good. Maybe there really isn't a problem there. So then, where is the problem?

Where is this coming from? This violence against women. This entitlement that men have; that they can just take what they want from a woman, and that is their God-given right.

Maybe objectification within the straight community is different than within the gay community. I mean, I cannot speak for anyone else, but when I am objectifying someone, say by looking at porn, I know that these are human beings. They have feelings and emotions. They are people, that have rights, that have lives. They are not *just objects*.

Maybe in the straight community, with straight men, women are *just objects*?

And maybe there is entitlement and violence within the gay community, I just haven't used the right keywords in Google Scholar or EBSCOhost?

I am just completely lost. I don't know what causes these things. There is something else going on, most definitely. Maybe it is just all of the violent socialization that men go though, and that just gets reflected onto women, and then add in sex, and it's just a big, violent, sociological nightmare.

This is all very confusing.

This is a fantastic article

http://voices.kansascity.com/node/4884

It's a great letter to President Barack Obama discussing his lack of effort on LGBT issues, and addresses the myth that marriage has been this "unchanging" union for thousands of years.

Read it. It is great!

New mission: create a chapter of Stonewall Democrats in Seattle this school year.

It would be awesome!!

I am back!!

I have finally come back. Yay!

So, I want to talk about something that is more relevant to me today. And, something that I actually would love to study someday as a sociologist.

I am a gay man. And I have gay friends. And I have noticed something interesting in that group. Perhaps what I have seen is just localized to my friend group, I cannot speak to the validity of that (thus why I want to study it) but it is possible, so keep that in mind.

Anyway, what I have noticed is that gay men seem to have a co-socialization going on inside of their group. On one end, I think that gay men are socialized as men... to be masculine and have those traits. Perhaps in the form of violent masculinity, but more of what I have seen has been that damn sense of entitlement. That men can just take what they want, use it, throw it away and not think twice about it. Furthermore, I feel like a great portion of "attractiveness" from a guy comes from how many sexual partners he has had. The greater the number, the greater the level of attractiveness, or maybe "coolness".

At the same time, I think that gay men are socialized as a woman would be in our society. Obsessed with outward image, and ideal physical forms. A gay man is not good enough unless he has the perfect body, the perfect face, and shan't we forget about the penis. It better be a good one. And anything less, is just... not good enough. This I know is a reality. I've already read several papers this summer on this very phenomena. Gay men have a greater level of bodily dissatisfaction than heterosexual men. And even though they might be cooler or more attractive with that higher number... they are still sluts.

And maybe this is just for some. Perhaps this is just how the more "middle ground" homosexuals feel (e.g., not hyper masculine or feminine in behaviors). Perhaps when you move to either side of the spectrum... very masculine gay men, or very feminine gay men... things are different. I do not know.

But, either way, it is something interesting to consider. And regardless of the large scale significance, it is something that I know I've had to deal with.

I suck

Okay, I have not written anything in a while. I have not forgotten about my blog. Just with finals and then organizing a counter-protest... lots to do.

I will write an awesome entry soon!!!